Author Archive for


End the Vagina Lottery and Ditch the Cousin-F***ers!

Thankfully, you’ll be reading my piece as the Diamond Jubilee’s celebrations halt to an end… Can you feel my rampant republicanism yet?

Seriously though, it grates just to type the above capitalised two words: but at least this blog might do its own little bit in attempting to finally ensure a grown-up discussion about republicanism in Britain at last. Frankly – its time we did away with this current motley bunch of cousin-f***ers and end the ‘vagina lottery’!

Alright, forgive the controversial title and stated aims – but I wanted to grab your attention. I’m sure I’ve done that. But the labels themselves are beyond dispute. There has been a concrete history of inbreeding within the royal family: and the entire decision-making process behind who becomes Monarch is the vagina lottery.

Namely, which vagina you come out of, (and in what order), automatically ensures your position – constitutionally heralded as the greatest individual that the entire Commonwealth can produce. No wonder the Tartan Tories want independence…

The Queen even existing, irrespective of her ‘constitutionality’ per se – is an absolute, unabridged scandal that does not befit any nation that even desires, let alone prides itself on, being civilised. The very fact that the unemployed were bused in from as far away as Plymouth, and forced to sleep under a bridge in order to ‘help with the efforts’ – and preventing paid work from occurring, (to maximise the sub-contractors profits), is indicative of the absolute disgrace.

When we total up the bill from this organised public arse-kissing – merely because the luckiest woman in Britain won’t snuff it already; it is a vomit-inducing scandal that is symbolic of our mis-spent priorities and the class divides. They’re responsible for fueling inequality, one that we in Britain will never surpass without a determined, socialist, Labour government.

We all live in hope eh?

There are many arguments put forward to defend the Windsors, (changed their name from Saxe-Coburg during WWI), but I find them all unconvincing to say the very least…

It’s true that no sitting monarch has exercised their inherent right to withdraw Royal Assent since Queen Anne and the 1707 Scottish Militia Act – but the very fact it even exists is the root of the problem. With America electing a mixed-race Barack Obama as their head of state: I find it heartbreaking that we in Britain are as yet not able to tell our sons and daughter, that they can rise to the highest position in the land, irrespective of gender, race, creed or beliefs.

The celebrations themselves this weekend have been worthy of Pyongyang – but arguably even finer in terms of minimising and criticising dissent from the proletariat. We are not subjects, but citizens! And it is about time that we reflected this across our society.

It is just a shame that the media weren’t able to show the greatest Republican protest since the Peasants Revolt – after all: whatever happened to balance? I’m sure I can hear Al-Jazeera laughing in a not-too distant corner. We ought to expect more from our public service broadcasters.

Shamefully – it was left of the saintly, (and hilarious), Jon Stewart of Daily Show fame to wade-in head first in to the monarchy. He deserves a knighthood for it, and it’s well worth a watch… Yes – I see the irony of the former!

No amount of 4-day weekends can ever mollify the anger this weekend has stirred up in me – as a proud member of Republic. Sod the 4-day weekend love, I’d rather have democracy!

Weak defenders of the status quo, (inherently conservative), point out flaws as they perceive in other systems: but others’ supposed weaknesses do not forgive our own glaring ones. Aim for the stars for goodness sake!

There is an understandable aversion to extra politicians infiltrating the corrupt constitutional establishment, (and copying the likes of the French or Russian system), which is a reaction to the current crop of insipid useless sods we have at the minute unfortunately. But even this is no reason not to go after a system like the German or American model.

Heaven forbid, we might even be able to create our own with a bit of oomph!

Dispensing with a Head of State, and beefing up the powers of the Lords and select committees would ensure a much more balanced and democratic outlook across the Prime Minister’s bows. Whilst we even have an elected dictatorship – with a monarch: you still manage to get the latter without the former!

Or have a complete ambassadorial role, elected by the public. Think of truly wonderful experts who would be symbolic of all the talents that Britain has to offer the world. Think Stephen Fry, Brain Cox, David Attenborough, Stephen Hawkins, William Shakespeare, Charles Darwin, Richard Dawkins or any number of the brains we export to the world.

This would be a unique and wonderful opportunity for Britain, once more, to lead the world. We’d counter the brain drain with a swift, symbolic gesture. Indeed – we’d be transforming the process from The Vagina Lottery, to the Brain Game! Even better than the current question as to which of the slimiest politicos can squeeze their nose in the doors of Number 10.

Christ, the whiff of inbreeding would even disappear to! Better than the current mess where some ginger-haid Nazi admiring lunatic, who can’t 3 half-decent A-Level grades at Eton of all places: is 3rd in line to the bloody throne!

Any system, with democratic selection at its heart – would be better than this current (inter)national disgrace.

The tourism argument is naive to boot. Britain has plenty to offer the wide world, and is a big target for all sort of jet-setters, rowers and plain lunatics’ tourism cash. Yes – even in a rain-soaked June! The idea we need an octogenarian ruling foul-mouthed, snobby Queen in charge in order to attract Japanese & American tourists is ridiculous. We could do that with a pair of shiny keys!

We already have some of the most wonderful heritage across the world, and have plenty to be proud for. No matter what Piers Morgan and the Twitter inspired “#ProudToBeBritish” love-in might suggest, the idea that we need a jubilee, with unemployed sleeping under a bridge – to be proud of being British, or some of our achievements, is utterly sickening.

A friend of mine timely pointed out that anything couldn’t be British without a touch of slavery. He was spot on.

We have plenty to be proud of in Britain, when it comes to some of our achievements – but the idea that there’s not plenty to shiver our heads at in disgust – is equally daft. Just think of the Mau-Mau rebellion, the colonisation of much of the world for financial motives, Dresden and the appalling manner in which we still: treat so many of our vulnerable.

Conversely – there’s the NHS’ creation, the Peasants’ Revolt, the Poll Tax Marches (both!), the Minimum Wage, SureStart, previously nationalised industries, the end of the Slave Trade, the 1832 Great Reform Act, legalisation of homosexuality and abortion, the repeal of Section 28, the Tolpuddle Martyrs, the acquittal of Clive Ponting, Magna Carta, the Suffragettes…

They might not be taught in our schools, and they might not be plastered all over the BBC in a fawning ploy to quell dissent: but they’re what I’m proud of when it comes to Britain.

The monarchy system is exactly the opposite.

Sod your 4-day weekend love.

Viva la revolucion!


Just don’t spill your gin yet…..

I was very kindly asked by Harry to pen a few thoughts on the whole political field we find ourselves in at this moment in time. I was naturally delighted, and have done my best…

So then, the Queen’s Speech was lacklustre in a legislative manner and has been decried from all corners of the political sphere… This is nothing new. Don’t spill your gin just yet!

Despite this Coalition’s first Queen’s Speech just over 2 years ago to the day – having paved the way for the most vicious Thatcherite parliamentary session this country has had to put up for nearly a hundred years: this one was remarkably unambitious, even by their particularly low standards. It is thus no surprise to see that it had been widely panned across the entire media sphere: irrespective of ideology.

Perennial brown-noser Louise Mensch apart, the criticism of it was universal from left to right. The Daily Mail screamed in anger as to the missing plan for jobs and growth: ‘the I’ were rather polite in noting how it was just “lacklustre”, but its fine columnist Steve Richards then lambasted it as a “ragbag worthy of Blair”. Unlike Redblog’s otherwise fine guest poster Alex Hylan’s take on Blair, I am no New Labour apologist. Personally, they owe the nation, and our party, an apology, for by and large wasting 13 years of possibilities on transforming Britain.

Even as an avid republican, you almost felt sorry for ol’ Liz sat there in her big golden chair as she read out this most incredibly vacuous, hollow and pompous plan – as if she was somehow about to take the blame for it.

The critique of the whole sorry farce that I laughed at most came from all places – of the Economist’s front cover, (courtesy of avid Tory, Sunday Politics regular and George Osborne biographer Janan Ganesh). Dave is stood in hunting gear on the left side – blissfully unaware of the fire behind him. It was poetically captioned “Crisis? What crisis!?”  

Do not mistake this Queen’s speech as a veiled intent of moderation from the coalition’s powers that be; we’ve got more chance of finding Lord Lucan on Shergar than this. Frankly, I’d rather have the latter running the country!

With Labour comfortably clear in the polls, Jeremy Hunt’s head being demanded on a plate, the Leveson inquiry in full pelt, double-dip recession returning for the first time since the 1970s, unemployment being abhorrently high – you’d almost think that the Coalition would be desperate to recapture some of the initiative. After all, as incumbents they have the ultimate advantage of the system, and quasi-authority to boot. It’s yours to lose. Indeed, Britain hasn’t removed a first term government since Ted Heath picked a fight with the miners and lost!

Yet – seemingly: Nero & co are rather too comfortable fiddling whilst Rome burns, and no pathetic Kim Jong-il-esque, stunt in an Essex tractor factory will change that.  With Dave’s texts to Rebecca, (lol!), revealing that he’d long since recognised that the horse had bolted – you’d think that they would try to usher the wee creature back home. Rather: the door has been slammed shut, so should the horse ever wish to return – it wouldn’t get in!

Sympathisers with this current, intolerable mob may point to such fond, cuddly measures as more flexible post-natal parental leave. Indeed, this is admirable: but on its own – fundamentally spineless and pathetic.

Not only is it increasingly unlikely that either, (let alone both!), will have jobs thanks to austerity and ideological neo-liberal libertarian fantasies, but if this is the best a government can do in a year – then it is not worth the urine I wouldn’t release if they were on fire…

As members of the British public, we all ought to mourn this scandal. For our government are indifferent to our plight, and actively worsen it with outrageous fabricated links to the likes of Greece and Ireland. No wonder a rather large slab of Scotland would like to go its own way. Frankly – with Labour up to 43, (Yes – 43!), points clear of the rest of the rabble in the North: it seems a fair few of us would rather join them!

But if I were a Labour strategist – I’d be quietly smirking to myself. Incompetence always trumps whether or not a government is seen as fair or otherwise: but lazy incompetence – which is increasingly becoming the by-word for this Coalition government. Quite right too. The Tories’s own backbenchers increasingly despair, and the civil war at the 1922 Committee is beyond hilarious. A change of government is easier to sell to the public if they believe that the government have been sat on their hands for a large part of the 5 years.

Also, the less damage there is for any future Labour government to reverse – the better. We will have our hands rather full from removing all profit motives and vested interests from the NHS, and returning our public services to anything like acceptable in a civilised society. A jolly full plate you might say.

This all follows an absolutely excellent night for Labour at the local elections – with comfortably north of 800 council seat gains defying all daft targets and demands set on us by the unsympathetic outsiders in hopes that we would fall at the first hurdle. Quite rightly, when Ed M was busy touring the newly-gained councils of Exeter, Southampton & Harlow et al – he was pleased but not complacent. Need I mention William Hague and his baseball cap?

But there is extremely good reason to be optimistic, and nothing that this current coalition of the damned is set on doing, looks like coming close to reversing that. 2015 is a long way away to say the very least, but all lights in the distance look green.

I hate to mimic Neil Kinnock, but onwards to government comrades… Just make sure you don’t mess it up now Ed.

Follow us on twitter